Just when residents thought it was safe to venture back to the reality of a fairly windy main road, a wee PCSO and only one out of three cash points working with any regularity, the self-appointed and anointed campaign group Hoylake Pillage Strife is proud to announce its vision of what the village needs most – yes a very, very large lettuce barn inside the recently vacated Presbyterian Church in Alderley Road behind Sylvia’s shop.
HPS came up with the idea during a kaleidoscopic dream possibly enthused by a late night snack of Wotsits, and upon a clammy awakening realised that with the addition of just £250,000 of other people’s money (clicky), hopefully yours of course, Hoylake will never, ever be short of lettuce again. A bit like Scarlet O’Hara from Gone With The Wind, who by the way has given her full support to the project.
A spokesperson for the one-man-and-his-dog group said “Doing nothing with this spectacular building is not an option. That’s what the council always says when it’s talking rubbish isn’t it?
“There is no doubt in my living room that Hoylake needs more things to attract visitors, and after some extensive research carried out while sat having a sit down toilet, I came to the blindingly obvious conclusion: who in their right mind doesn’t like lettuce? Who?
“Even though I dont own it or run it or have any control whatsoever over it I know from constantly talking to myself in the mirror that there is overwhelming community support for what Hoylake has been crying out for ever since the Great Lettuce Drought of Black And White Times Back When I Didn’t Even Live Here.
“A petition, which I have signed my very self, proves that lettuce is the one thing that would bring hordes of visitors to Hoylake from places as far flung as Sydney, Papua New Guinea, the Solomon Islands, Great Yarmouth, Machu Picchu, Narnia, Rosamund Street, Kings Gap – although I’m not entirely sure where that one is, to be honest – and the much-loved and very popular Orange Grove.
“In my vision, I heard seagulls squawking excitedly around the church spires as bustling queues of good old-fashioned nuclear families, mums and dads and grandmas and grandpas and uncles and aunties and ruddy-faced children in wellington boots, clapped with giddy joy as they entered the world-renowned lettuce barn.
“Lettuce has it all. It’s green, it’s environmentally friendly, it’s got leaves, it’s dead nice in salads, you could theoretically use one as a football, and in dock form can be highly efficient in coping with the biting sting of a nettle. So not only would the lettuce barn act as a hugely beneficial visitor’s attraction and source of no-nonsense leafy goodness, it would virtually act as a hospital walk-in centre, too.
“It is envisioned in my vision that the converted church lettuce barn, to be called Lettuce Pray, will be open all year round and will be operated by a successful remote lettuce vendor with whom Hoylake Pillage intends to form a symbiotic non-profit-making multi-national conglomerate farming co-operative thing.
“Of course this will all depend on getting some real proper community support behind it which on behalf of everyone else and for the purposes of time and effort I have decided to just assume is taken as read.”
The spokesperson said different types of lettuce will be sold at different times of the year in line with seasonal variation, but that “Cos” will be on display every Friday night whether you like it or not.
* Thanks to Bugler nutcrackerz66 again who I think Buglers we can understand has something of a bee in their bonnet.